Advice on texting your ex After you breakup
Knowing what to text your ex after a breakup is tough.
Are text messages even the best way to reach out? What about a phone call?
Should you keep your name at the top of their text feed? Or is it better to wait a while and play the long game?
Surely, they will come running back when they remember how much they love and miss you?
Should you make first contact? What if you’ve waited too long after the no contact rule?
What even is the no contact rule?!
We have all of the answers to your biggest questions right here.
We’ll break down the right thing to text your ex after your breakup, how long to wait and 10 Tips for texting your ex, to make sure you get them back in your life!
It’s so common following the breakdown of a relationship, that couples move into a ‘no contact period’, where you should both wait, let the dust settle, and see if there is still an ‘us’ to come back to once you’ve both had some time alone.
But break ups can create a whirlwind of emotions and stress, not to mention that there is literally no rule book on how long you should be waiting!
More often than not, parting ways and ‘agreeing’ to have no contact will be driven by just one of the people in the relationship, making it even harder to know what the right thing to do is and creating a list of questions that we have the answers to…
What is The No Contact Rule?
The no contact rule is a period of time when you shouldn’t contact your ex girlfriend / ex boyfriend, or someone who is having a toxic impact on your life.
While this may be hard work at times, giving your ex space and having no contact can help you heal from a breakup and become more grounded emotionally.
Sometimes, a couple will agree on a time-period, but this can be loaded with risk, as you should only end the no contact rule when you feel you have had enough time and are ready to speak with your ex again.
While full radio silence may not always be possible, (due to working together, studying together or even living together), if at all possible, you should look to honor the period of no contact.
- No Phone Call
- No Social Media Messaging (or status’ about them!)
- No seeing in person
- No messages sent through mutual friends
- No messages sent through their best friends
- Not ‘accidentally’ bumping into them
- Not speaking to their close family
- No texting
Why No Contact with Your Ex?
It’s almost certain that following a break up, emotions are running high and individuals are confused about how their life might look without their partner in it any longer.
So to save a relationship from the point of no return, no contact is a very good idea.
Think about it – your ex was in your life every day, (probably for a long time) your thoughts, physical contact, communication, and now, overnight, you’re trying to change all of those habits and give them space.
By doing this, you will learn to live without your ex. But why would you want to do that?! There is a very good reason…
Until you learn to live without your former partner, you will always be presenting as ‘needy’ and ‘desperate’, which will almost always result in pushing the one you love away.
By taking a step back you will both benefit in the following ways:
- Time to yourselves
- Gain perspective
- Show your ex you have self-control
- Work on yourself (possibly the most important)
- Limit damage of things said/done while emotionally charged
- Allows time to miss one another
- May prompt your ex to contact you
Self-improvement or change, just for your ex’s benefit can be the biggest mistake you could make and definitely a bad idea if you want this to work long-term.
If you want a lasting, happy relationship with your ex, the best way to make that happen is to start with yourself.
Once you are happy and content, reaching out to your ex will be more genuine and they will become part of your happiness, not responsible for it.
- Read all about how to develop yourself here.
Getting Your Ex Back After A Breakup
Break ups are a big deal and it’s important to keep in mind that you broke up for a reason!
If you haven’t spent any of your time apart working on yourself and the important step of addressing some of the root causes of your break up, it’s highly likely that you’ll make the same mistakes all over again.
Imagine the stress, effort and time involved to get back together with your ex, only for all of the same problems that caused the break up in the first place to be right there waiting for you.
And this happened to a lot of people!
So the right time to get back in touch with your ex, is from a position of personal growth and genuine improvement, whether that’s in your behaviors, attitude or trust, will depend entirely on yourself and the circumstance of your break up.
- Check out how to manage your stress here.
What If Your Ex Texts You First?
If your ex texts first and you’re not ready to speak to them, (bearing in mind everything you’ve read so far), then let them know you need some more time.
This might be because you’re still feeling emotional/angry or upset, or that you need more time to address some of the root causes.
Talking to your ex before you are truly ready, there will be a very good chance you’ll slip back into old habits.
Given that you really want your ex back in your life, turning them away at this point will be the last thing you feel like doing. But take a deep breath and trust in the step process you are putting in place.
Why Use Text Messages After You Breakup?
There’s a good reason for choosing text messages over other options.
A text is not as intrusive as a phone call, giving your ex time to consider their answer without feeling ‘put on the spot’, as they might with a phone call.
Face to face meetings and phone calls, will often mean things are said reactively, without being thought through first, which can often result in more arguing.
This extra time is the best thing you can give your ex, so they feel they have less pressure surrounding the conversation.
What Platform should I text My Ex on?
WhatsApp, IMessage, Viber, SnapChat, Instagram – how can you know which one to contact them on?
The easiest way to answer this, is choose whichever platform your ex uses the most!
It might be tempting to use the apps that let you see if your message has been read, or when your ex was last online.
But in all honesty, even though this can be helpful, this needy behavior will only spiral if you go down this route.
Almost every messaging tool is interactive and can access things such as GIF’s, images and effects – but these should be used sparingly, while you’re trying to rekindle your appreciation of one another.
What to Text Your Ex
Even after a period of no contact, it’s important you rebuild your connection with each other gradually and in the right way.
Often there will still be some negative feelings on your ex’s mind and charges of emotions surrounding one another will be running high, so a degree of subtlety, while always promoting good feeling and positivity is very important.
The First Text:
The first time you text your ex again, you should be looking to get a feel for the connection between you both.
The first thing you text should be something simple and easy to reply to, (and easy for them to ignore if they need more time).
Here are a few things to bear in mind for that first text:
- A simple text message
- Authentic (don’t force it)
- In context with your relationship (not something you’ve read elsewhere)
- Don’t try and trick a reply (with an ‘emergency’ for example)
If they are still angry, or overreacting to something small, it may not be a good time to jump ahead or go much further just yet.
Build a Connection with your Texts
Small, relaxed steps are key here.
By understanding the mood and current feelings of your ex, you are more likely to build a lasting, new relationship.
Don’t jump into historical issues you’ve both had or push them to make any decisions on the future, both of those approaches will almost always result in this blowing up in your face and that would be missing the whole point!
Remember when you used to date? Things were a little simpler then, more relaxed and fun?
While this will be a unique situation for everyone, if you can reignite a little bit of that enjoyable element you both felt early on in your relationship, your messages between one another can be a great way to reset some of the issues faced during your break up.
10 Top Tips For Texting Your Ex:
1. Relaxed and simple
It’s important not to come off as needy or desperate, so no long-winded, in-depth messages when you are getting back in touch after no contact.
Something as simple as:
- ‘Hi. You’ve been on my mind today, how have you been?’
This will let them know you still care about them and give them an open invite to respond in an honest way, so that you get a feel for where their head is at and how they are feeling.
2. Keep the content and mood ‘light’
Something conversational is key.
Going all guns blazing with what you text your ex after you breakup is a bad idea.
The last thing anyone wants to spend time replying to is lengthy, stressful text messages, so keep it brief and relaxed.
Searching for answers to some of the big questions in your relationship like trust, love and bills, will only drive them away further and add stress to the text conversation, before it rapidly spirals out of control.
3. Never force an answer out of your ex
Putting your ex on the spot for an answer, will make it likely they will say something you really don’t want to hear!
Saying things like:
- ‘I need you to tell me how you feel’
- ‘Why are you taking so long to reply’
This will only make your ex feel pressured and annoyed.
You’re much more likely to get answers to the questions you have by letting the conversation take shape naturally.
4. Send replies based on the signals you receive
This is important.
Although it can sometimes be tricky in text messages, reading the tone and direction of the conversation is important.
If your ex wants to get something off their chest, then you may have to let that happen and reply in a way that shows you understand how they’re feeling and that you’re sorry for anything you may have been at fault for.
Similarly, if your ex clearly wants the texts to be brief and less about the specifics, then you should mirror this with conversation about more day-to-day things.
5. Build up contact slowly
Take small steps.
After a length of time not speaking to your ex, you will no doubt feel anxious to get back in touch and strike up a rapport again as soon as possible.
Less is more though in the early weeks of being back in touch, so don’t feel like you need to be talking to each other daily.
Build up slowly and just enjoy getting to know one another again, speak about how you’ve been spending your time apart and what you’ve each been enjoying.
A text every few days to begin with for a week or two, and slowly build up the contact from there based on Top Tip #4!
6. If they’re not ready to talk, don’t force it
So you’ve been patient, taken a step back and waited throughout the no contact period – Now you’ve decided what you want to say, sent the text message….. and nothing!
At this point you will undoubtedly feel a wave of emotions – stress, worry, annoyance, frustration, all of these are perfectly normal.
But the one thing you can’t plan for, or change right now, is how ready your ex is to talk again just yet.
If you get no reply, just wait. It’s that simple. If a day or two goes by and still nothing, a brief text along the lines of:
- ‘I hope everything is OK, I’m here if you need me’.
7. Keep a level-head
There will be times during your reconnection where things from the past will come up.
Old wounds mend slowly, and your ex may want to get something off of their mind – it could be something they have done wrong, or something they want you to take responsibility for.
So never act with a hot-head and become angry or rude. A calm approach throughout to work on making your relationship stronger than before, is essential.
8. Don’t Overreact
To show your ex that you really have spent your time apart working on yourself, show them that you are more measured and relaxed than ever before.
By keeping your responses measured and not throwing mud at one another over the slightest comment, is the best way for your ex to start feeling like you are someone they want to spend more time with again.
9. Don’t be needy (do the work on yourself first)
You are hopefully getting the message by now that self-improvement really is the way forward to mending broken relationships.
There is nothing attractive about a needy person, always desperate for replies to messages and reassurance.
If replies are taking a little longer than you would like, or you’re not getting complimented in every message, go with the flow, re-read Top Tip #4 and take it in your stride!
10. Try not to discuss the breakup OR the make up
If you’ve been on the other end of these texts in a past relationship, you’re likely to know how it feels when your ex is asking you:
- ‘So I guess you think all this is my fault’
- ‘Do you think we’ll ever get back together’
- ‘Why did you leave me’
And to be honest, texts like this are probably part of why that person is now considered as your old relationship!
Much like Top Tip #3, forcing answers to some of the bigger questions and putting your ex on the spot will never end well.
You are both in the position you are in right now and dragging up the past or trying to jump 5 steps into the future isn’t going to help anything.
Text Examples and Ideas
Examples of what not to send during no contact with your ex:
- “I miss you so much, I can’t cope without you. Please can we try again?”
- “Please can you reply to my messages, I worry so much when I don’t hear from you.”
- I hope you’re not out getting drunk, you know how paranoid I get when you do that.”
Examples of what not to send after no contact:
- “Why did you leave me, you know how angry and upset I get when we argue?”
- I’m sorry I cheated on you, I swear it will never happen again if we can try again.”
- “I’ll try harder, just give me another chance.”
- It will ruin our son/daughters life if you break our family up like this, why are you being so selfish?
Examples of what to send after no contact:
- “Hey, I just saw that bar we had our first date in, it brought back a lot of happy memories.”
- Hi, I hope you’ve been keeping well? I just wanted to let you know, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about where I went wrong, (I even saw a therapist!). It would be great to catch up properly at some point if you’re free.”
- “Hey, so I finally spoke to someone about my stress at work and you were right, I can’t believe I didn’t see how much it was affecting us at home. I just wanted you to know I’m sorry for that.”
Why not try Emails and Letters
Emails are also a good way of reaching out to your ex, for many of the same reasons that text messages work well.
While they are relaxed, allow space and avoid potential confrontation, they can come across as more formal, so decide what’s best for your personal circumstance.
They can also be difficult to strike up much of a conversational flow, but with smartphones and email apps, this is less of a problem in recent years.
Letters There is something very authentic about writing and receiving a letter and it can be a great way to send an apology.
Maybe it’s the time it takes to write and post, or the personal way it’s been hand-written just for you, or the romantic implications of letter-writing over long distance from past generations…
Letters will almost certainly only contain what people really mean, as there’s far less chance of words being written reactively or through anger.
It will slow down the conversation a little bit and when you’re trying to rekindle positive feelings, this can only be a good thing.
Work On Yourself and The Rest Will Follow
Hopefully the advice, tips and examples you have read here today will help, we really do hope you get the outcome you’re hoping for!
The single most important thing you can do is to work on your own personal contentment, as without it, you will always be trying to find happiness in someone, or something else.